Suffocation
by DilaraClem
Summary: Everything ends, everyone is at peace, but Cordelia is fighting with her own darkness.


Hello guys! This is the first chapter of a 3 chapter fic. But before you read there are few things you need to know. I wrote this before the episode of Hank going to Marie's. But the story happens to be after the show is over. Nan is still dead in this story but she died at some kind of a war between witches and witch hunters. Fiona is not dead in this story. Also Fiona never called Cordelia "useless" in this story either. You'll find that Cordelia feels useless but it had nothing to with Fiona or Queenie. And Cordelia didn't blind herself in this. I hope you don't find that confusing.  
So enjoy and please let me know what you think of it.  
Also thanks to the wonderful Lilly for being a wonderful beta, all mistakes in this are absolutely mine.

**Chapter One:**

i'm angry. i'm so angry at everything. walls are attacking me, heat is surrounding me, i can't breathe. it is so sad. everything. i can't breathe. i want to scream my lungs out, i want to be noticed, i want my anger to be seen. but i don't want them to care. it is all so sad, i can't even breathe anymore. _please. _someone help me i'm begging you. my heart hurts. it hurts. so physically that i can't take it, it is so strong, all the feelings and -fuck. it hurts. i want them gone. everything. i don't know why. i don't know who. i just want them away from me. i want to be alone. no, not really. i want _her_ with me. i want to hug her and smell her and look at her and kill her. NO.

i punch the table.

_no i don't. i don't. i don't._ i keep whispering to myself.

i can't do it. she's so beautiful and i'm so ugly. she's all life and happiness, pure and fair and i just can't handle it. i want pain, i want it to hurt and she is just so good that it annoys the shit outta me. i want her away, far away from me. i want her happiness gone. i just, i just can't-it's enough. i had enough pain for hundreds of lifetimes.

i can't talk to anyone. not even her. how can you tell someone that their happiness drives you crazy. how can you tell someone that loving them hurts? i can't. i don't know the way. all this happiness is surronding me. war is over. everyone is at peace. everyone besides me. i can't seem to find it. nothing helps. my plants are dying like my insides. i lost my passion. i lost everything. it was him, it was all him. i hate him. i hate him. i hate him.

_hank._

it hurt so much. it hurt so much and no one gave me the right to be sad. i had to be strong, for girls and coven and my mother and everything. i sacrificed my right to grieve. for what? i don't even know anymore. i gave him my everything. i loved him. i loved his cute beard and his stupid plaid shirts and his fucking brown eyes and the way he whispered my name with such love. now he's in a shallow grave with all the world's hate on it. no one will remember him. no one will speak his name. not even me. i can feel that unvisible force around me, banning me to speak of him.

when everything ended, i wanted to run away. i wanted to run away with _her. _i wanted it to end. i couldn't do it. i can't, i still can't. she couldn't either. the new supreme. all mighty and center of attention. i am not worth the effort. i am not good enough. i wouldn't leave all that power for myself. i am not worth anything! i was once, right? hank loved me. he did. i know he did. no matter what anyone tells me. no matter what they force me to think. they didn't know him like i did. they didn't know the way he looked at me in the morning. immedietly turning his face to me like he couldn't handle seeing anything but me when he first opened his eyes. i loved him. he loved me. yes he did. i know he did. none of them can convince me otherwise. he risked his life for me. i was worth it once. i was worth dying for. yes. he loved me.

_lies._

i punch it harder this time.

that voice never stops. lies! lies! lies! _lying even to yourself cordelia_. no i don't i really don't. i lie to _them_. not to myself. i lie them everyday. i look at their faces and smile. i'm fine. i feel wonderful. yes, the weather is great i suppose we can cancel today's lesson girls! yes mother i am doing well you don't need to act like you care. they all believe. they all nod their heads and smile back. if nan was here, i guess everything would be different. she could see through my bullshit. she's gone though. sacrificed her life for the coven like it was worth it. it should have been me. i should have died. at least i'd be worth something then. hero. but if it can't be me. i'm glad it's nan. i don't want anyone in my head. thanks to fucking gods she's gone.

STOP.

no. no. no. no. no. i loved nan. i loved her. she was the only one who cared to help me. i loved her little jokes on my thoughts. she was the only one who was eager to learn. i loved nan. i loved her. glad she's dead now.

PLEASE.

i can't even control my own mind anymore. i lost it. everything. i lost the dream of little brown eyed child running around my plants while i constantly warn her to be careful, hank coming down to garden to take care of her. my little brown eyed daughter with her dark hair, like her father's. running in academy. queenie would tickle herself, aiming at my little girl. madison would play with her in secret. nan would let me know when my baby needed me. glad she's dead now. no. no. it doesn't matter anyway cordelia, you lost her. a child that was never meant to be. but he loved me anyway. no matter what they force me to think. no matter what they tell me.

i can't handle it anymore.


End file.
